So who’s fault is it? Who is at fault for what happened to me? Who’s to blame for my grandfather’s sick inappropriate sexual behavior towards me? Are my parents to blame because he had access to me week after week for six years? Absolutely not! In the past, I blamed my extended family members; specifically my father’s siblings. Because they were aware of their father’s obsession of younger women. It was something that was considered “no big deal”, perhaps even amusing. When my grandfather would come visit on Saturdays, he would watch wrestling & Solid Gold. If your old enough to remember Solid Gold, then you’ll also remember the “Solid Gold Dancers”. My grandfather looked forward to those half naked dancers. I heard stories of prior rapes and even animal cruelty. Though my grandfather took a liking to younger women, I don’t believe anyone thought he was a pedophile.
I do not blame my family for what my grandfather did to me; not anymore. Had it come to their attention prior to me speaking up, he would have been stopped. At least that is what I want to believe. In some weird way I can’t even blame him because he must have went through some abuse himself to become the monster that he was to me. I have spent a great deal of time trying to figure out the root of such evil, but to no avail.
I want to take time to mention that there were six other victims for my grandfather that I know of; but only four of them are known to me. They were not raped by him but they were hurt and torn apart in ways they could not imagine. Those other victims are my father, mother, brother and sister. When I speak of “my family”, please understand that I am not speaking of my immediate family because my father’s Father manipulated my whole household; not just me.
Our family was a close (extended) family or that’s what I thought; however, when the family needed to be closer than ever – it did the total opposite. So though I may blame no one for the abuse from my grandfather, I do blame the elders (3 aunts, 1 uncle and my grandmother) in my family for something.
I blame them for NOT holding my grandfather accountable for his choices and actions towards me. They may disagree with me but let me shed some light on WHY I feel this way.
My family did not hold my grandfather accountable when:
…………they chose to shelter him while hanging me out to dry in the rain.
…………he was allowed to deny what he did and set free because the family decided to “handle it”. He was free while I entered the prison of my mind.
…………he was allowed to attend all our Family Christmas Dinners and our Annual Family BBQ. I was forced to be civil to him when all I wanted to do was slap him and create a scene. This is when I became invisible.
…………when they all swept this under the rug. By doing this, they also swept me under the rug; and I’ve allowed them all to walk on that same rug for 28 years. Each time they stepped on me, I sceramed out for help. But my screams went unheard and when they did hear me, I was given a band aid and swept back under the rug. Then they would walk on that dirty rug all over again. I realised that I wasn’t as invisible as I thought….they just simply closed their eyes, because seeing me would mean seeing the injured prey that the predator had captured. MY GRANDFATHER LIVED AND DIED AS A PEDOPHILE.
My grandfather may have knocked me down, but what my family DID NOT DO….CRUSHED ME!