That kiss was the beginning of my entrapment. I call it entrapment because my grandfather set me up. He gained my trust, my love, my loyalty and silence. For two and a half years he groomed me to believe that our relationship was special; but he was only preparing me for what was going to take place once my parents left for vacation. I have had a great deal of time to look back at how he was able to get away with this for so long and I realized quickly how smart and strategic he was. I mean he planned every move including how he was going to kiss me that day.
We were standing by the dining room area when he took my hand and walked me across the living room floor and we ended up standing by the windows overlooking our balcony. He took me to that location because if my parents were to come out of their bedroom, they could clearly see the dining room area. We ended up standing in a spot that could not be seen by anyone unless they walked down the hallway and stood at the opening to the living room. Had my parents walked out of their room, there would have been enough time for him to switch his moves and not get caught.
So how did my grandfather get to be alone with me once my parents and sister left? Manipulation and lies. He manipulated my brother by letting him do whatever he wanted. My brother was a typical boy who loved riding his bike and playing outside with his friends. My brother was a very popular kid. So much so, that I always wanted to hang out with him and his friends; he definitely was responsible for my tomboy stage. My grandfather took advantage of the fact that my brother always wanted to be outside, so for the first week my brother spent most of his time outside of the house. I went outside too, but only when my grandmother was home. She attended church a few times a week (we had a church that was pastored by her eldest daughter’s husband) and when she left, my grandfather would ask me to stay inside to “keep him company” (as he would put it). That is when he would molest me; but that was not enough. He wanted more time with me….alone time.
Now, we attended church every Sunday and we liked going because we got to see our cousins and we enjoyed being around each other. We also would love going over to their house for sleep overs especially during the summer because we could go during the week as opposed to just the weekend. There was five of them, however there were four boys and one girl; so my brother would end up going over way more than I did. So as you can imagine the weekend was coming and when my brother asked if he could go spend time with the boys, my grandfather was only too happy to send him away. As a matter of fact my brother left on a Friday. He went to church with my grandmother so that he could meet up with them at church and go directly from there. So he got rid of my brother and now it was time to figure out what to do with my grandmother. That was not too hard, he just had to wait until she left for church. My grandmother never missed church on Sunday and I mean never. She actually went to church twice on Sundays; this would be the best opportunity for my grandfather to get me alone.
I went to church that Sunday and came home but my grandmother left for evening services. When it came to bedtime, my grandfather told me to go put my nightgown on and said “come and sleep with me until grandma comes home”. I thought nothing of that, after all I was alone and we only had a two bedroom, so me and my siblings shared a room. My sister and I shared a bed until we were teens so I remember not resisting his request. It was also an opportunity to sleep in my parents’ bed which had a firm comfy mattress.
I watched my grandfather lie to people all the time. He lied to me as well but it was not obvious when he lied to me. I only know now that he lied to me retrospectively. On this night however, was the first time I caught him in a lie and I remember feeling really weird. We were laying in bed and he told me that he was going to the bathroom. So he left the room and I noticed (through the crack of the open bedroom door) that he stood between the room and bathroom. I wondered what he was doing because he said he was going to the bathroom but he never went into the bathroom. Instead, he stood outside the door and I watched him remove his pJ bottoms, then he removed his boxer shorts and put his pj pants back on. He disappeared for a couple of seconds; I assume he stashed his boxers somewhere because he did not have them in his hand when he entered the room.
I was raped for the first time that night. When he was finished I sat up on the bed at which point he told me to go to my room. I remember being so upset and confused because he lied to me again. He said that I could sleep with him until my grandmother got home but she was not home yet. I wondered why he was sending me to my room. As I stood up to leave my parents bedroom, the look on his face turned to panic as I saw him glance down to where I was sitting. When I looked down, I saw streaks of blood on the sheet. I got a little scared and left the room. I took my underwear off and felt moisture between my legs; I had no idea what it was and why I was so wet. I froze, holding my underwear in my hand I could see my grandfather outside my door (which was right next to my parents room) holding the wrapper sheet in his hand. He quickly opened the door to the apartment and walked out leaving me alone. He was back in about 30 seconds and the sheet was gone. The garbage room was located in the hallway next to the elevators, I assumed he got rid of the soiled sheet. I thought to myself “why did he throw out the sheet; why did he not just wash it”? I remember thinking that something was wrong and he threw out the sheet because he did not want to get in trouble. Well, I did not want to get into trouble either so I threw my underwear in the garbage bin that my mother had provided in my room. I went to bed and stayed awake wondering why my grandfather was acting so strange. This was the first time he ever indicated fear to me but still nothing became clear to me. There would be one more lie that my grandfather would tell that night and it was regarding the chain lock on the door.
When my grandfather came into the apartment after discarding the sheet, he put the chain lock on the door. I now assume it was because my grandmother would be home soon and he needed time to get a new set of sheets and make the bed. However, he forgot to unlatch the chain lock before he went to sleep; so when my grandmother came home that night, she was locked out. I heard my grandfather snoring so I knew he was asleep and I did not get out of bed because I should have been asleep too. She spent the next five minutes knocking the door really hard. Finally he got up to open the door. As you can imagine my grandmother was angry! She freaked out on him and asked why he would put the chain on the door if he knew he was going sleep and she was on her way home. He told her some lie about a stranger knocking the door earlier and he put the chain on so that he did not have to open the door all the way and that he just forgot to take it off. That was the last lie of the night.
I have had conversations with my grandmother about that night and she still remembers it very clearly. She remembers because she became very upset. But now that I know my grandmother was aware of him raping others prior to coming to Canada, I have to wonder if she became that angry because she wondered what he was doing or what he did. I wonder if it ever crossed her mind that he may have been inappropriately touching me. She says she did not know anything….I believe her because I cannot believe otherwise. She did come in my room to check on me but I pretended that I was asleep.
The next day, everything went back to the way it was….as if the night before did not happen. Something was very different in the way my grandfather treated me. He became very possessive and began to stock me. He would wait for me at the plaza next to our home and when he saw me, we would go to his place to be alone. If my grandmother was home we would just drive around. My grandfather got his driver’s licence really late in life but when he got a car, he would take me for drives and park somewhere. I always went with him because I knew that I would get some money afterwords.
So to my family and critics who wonders why I cannot just leave this subject alone, I ask you this. How would you feel if you found out that your relationship with your grandparent was all sexual. I did not know my grandfather any other way. I envy my cousins because they had a grandfather….a real one. Me, I was my grandfather’s lover for six years. That is the truth and as if that is not enough, to realize that he paid me for my services is something I cannot comprehend. I was so brainwashed by him and now I spend my days trying to reprogramme my brain to let go of all that he did to me and all that I learned from him.
He almost destroyed me with his lies and manipulation; and decades later it still affects me. But I will not let it destroy me. I share my story to rid my mind, body and soul of his poison.