It has been quite some time since I felt like making a post on my blog. I was being triggered by writing about my abuse and decided to take some time off to take care of “me”. I am still going to trauma therapy once per week and I must say, it’s tough but very necessary. Yes, I am still in lots of pain but the past couple of weeks have been a reminder that much healing still needs to be done.
I have chosen to watch the news and observe how others react to the subject of abuse and rape. We have all been watching what is happening to the “alleged” victims of Bill Cosby and I am sure we all have our opinions. I steer far away from having an opinion on this because we just don’t know. However, I was in therapy today and I spoke of this story because it triggered me. I love Bill Cosby and still do but I will not say that these women are lying because I was once called a liar for the things I said that were done to me by my grandfather. You see, my grandfather was a man of the Church and a “stand-up” well respected man in his community. He was very generous to strangers and was always quick to help others…everyone loved him. This was one part of the reason that people found it hard to believe that he was a pedophile; on the flip side of this my family did a great job of sweeping this under the rug so most people who knew my grandfather had and still have no clue that he molested and raped me or any other girls. If there were other girls, the opportunity for them to come forward was taken away from them by hiding the truth. The women who are now coming forward about their own abuse by Bill Cosby are doing so because they now feel that finally someone just might listen. This is why I started this blog. My family was so keen on “keeping this in the family” that all they did was shut me up…temporarily of course. I will never say that Bill Cosby could never have done such horrible things; but I am sure that when certain people find out about what happened to me, they may think that my grandfather could never do such horrible things either. Rumor has it that the lack of family support this time round is due to my grandmother’s old age and that upon hearing that this subject has resurfaced, it might just kill her. As true as that may be I would like my family members to know that it must be nice to be able to postpone supporting me with healing from this; while you’re able to “delay the inevitable”, I can’t run from this because it is everywhere, hence the title of this posting….
I left therapy today overwhelmed and after getting my daughter from school I turned on the Dr. Phil show and watched part 1 of a girl’s circumstance that was very similar to my own. I listened to this young woman talk about being molested from her step-grandfather on weekends for years. I listened to how she described the way he began to touch her by giving her hugs and making her sit on his lap while his fingers were doing the walking. I listened to this young woman say word for word what I have been saying for years now and then I watched her grandmother deny everything and blame her for “ruining her life”…her grandmother said “I want nothing to do with you anymore”, called her a liar and walked of the stage. I know too well what that feels like. I know too well what it feels like to want people to believe you and support you but make you out to look like you’re crazy. When I see things like this on television, it brings back memories and feelings that I wish I could forget…again. I say “again” because I have blocked out so many memories over the years and now that I am in therapy and taking care of a 7 year old little girl, the blocks have been removed. To this day I’m still having memories of things my grandfather made me do and each time I remember, it makes me want to throw-up. Tomorrow is part 2 of The Dr. Phil show when the young girl’s mother will be on stage explaining why and how her daughter was able to become one of her step-grandfather’s victims.
I do not understand why some adults don’t feel the need to protect children at all costs. I watched as the adults in my family continued to have my grandfather around all my cousins once they found out what he did to me. I watched my grandfather put my little cousin on his lap during one of our Christmas gatherings at my aunts house and all I remember doing was looking at his hands making sure that he wasn’t going to touch her. I made sure that both of his hands were visible at all times. Then I looked around the room and realized that no one was concerned about what was taking place; in fact, no one even noticed him. During that same dinner, my grandfather followed me to the washroom where he proceeded to talk to me and when he realized that I was not responsive, he handed me a five dollar bill. Imagine my surprise 12 years later when I was cleaning out my closet and getting rid of clothes that I had outgrown. I was still in possession of the dress I wore during that Christmas gathering and tried it on to see if it still fits…the dress had two front pockets…I placed my hands in the pockets…I was also still in possession of the five dollar bill he gave me that night. It suddenly dawned on me that I had never worn that dress again after that gathering and I can tell you that I also put that dress in the garbage…where my grandfather and his dirty ways belonged.