Abuse, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape

My Most Hated Question

There are times when I wonder whether I should stop writing in this blog or if I should continue.  And each time I think that I have said enough, something happens that I would like to write about.  So in this entry I’ll share with you another trigger of mine; it is an odd question that only comes up when there are a bunch of women chatting amongst themselves (usually about the men in our lives); at some point someone throws out the question “how old were you when you lost your virginity?” and instantly my body shuts down and goes numb. I dread this question, no, I hate this question. I hate this question because it is a question I do not know how to answer. When I was younger, I would just lie and mention the first boy I ever had sex with. But as I matured in age and wisdom, I know through the love of Christ that telling a lie is not pleasing in God’s eyes. So I stopped lying about that question.

So if I cannot lie about it, then what? Do I excuse myself and go to the washroom, and stay in there long enough as to avoid “your turn” in answering the question? Do I be honest and tell the truth? Which will be risky because not everyone is comfortable in talking about the subject of incest; so being honest in this situation may ruin the moment for the others.

Then the day will come when my little girl will ask the dreaded question “sooo, mom – how old were you when you lost your virginity and who was the lucky guy?”…..if you did not understand how difficult this question is for me, perhaps you do now. How do I give my daughter an answer that will not rock her world in a bad way. This is suppose to be a conversation I can have with my daughter with ease. I had this conversation with my mother and was pleasantly surprised at how open she was to talk about it. As much as I would like my daughter to have the same experience with me, I know it will not be.

(for my family)

You see my family does not understand that these are the issues I have been forced to deal with every day and probably for the rest of my life. My grandfather, your grandfather, your husband, your father did not just rape me; he took away so much more. Because of him I will never be able to think of my “first time” as being anything worth speaking of. My family is Christian and preaches no sex before marriage, yet it was your father, your husband, your grandfather who was a born again Christian who took that option away from me.

Here is how I answer the question: I did not loose my virginity, it was stolen from me at the tender age of 10 by my paternal grandfather, on my parent’s bed.


4 thoughts on “My Most Hated Question

  1. I have nominated you for the The Brave Heart Award. If you would like to accept it, please go to http://turkeyboneheaven.com/2014/03/22/brave-heart-award-announcement/ for details about the award.

    Stand Strong You Are Not Alone

    I call you a survivor, because that is what you are.
    There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are loosing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong.

    I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse.

    In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope.

    You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

    Each step you take you are not alone.
    Stand Strong.

    • Hi Kelly,
      Thank you so much for your kind words and nomination. I am really excited to receive so much support from many all over the world. I do read and re-read the comments I receive on my Blog and via email. They pick me up on the days where things seem so heavy. I enjoyed your Blog and would like to share it here for others to visit http://www.writingfromashed.workpress.com. Thanks for standing strong with me.

  2. Thanks Kelly, I want you to know that it was this very message that is now responsible for my next post (drafting it up). I will keep writing as long as you do too. I love your Blog because I can so relate to you. Your words touch me.

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