I find myself thinking about events that have occurred in my life that greatly influenced where I am today. I know that if I were to go back in time to change one thing, it would also change the outcome of where I am today. The real truth is I love my life. I wake up every morning and go to sleep at night thanking God for the little family he has given me. For my little girl who may have triggered my PTSD, but I am grateful that she is blessed with two older brothers that love her so much. And a father who comes home every day with a treat for her, beckoning to her every need. And a mother who would not have been on the road to recovery had she not blessed me with her presence. I love my life and everything about it; which brings me to something I cannot deny.
If I could go back in time, would I change what happened between me and my grandfather. At first glance I said absolutely, I would definitely change that part of my childhood but nothing else. Then something (The Holy Spirit) spoke to me and asked that I meditate on this scenario: What do you think would have taken place during those six years if you were not sexually abused by your grandfather? So I did just that and what I saw or imagined was so profound that it left me with no option but to accept that what happened was more than a hyenas crime committed against me, but rather a part of God’s divine plan for me.
You see, to erase my six years of abuse would be to erase the life I have now. I probably would not have had my first-born at the age of 16. I would not have had the experience of my son dying in my arms and God bringing him back to me. The seven years of long hospital stays trying to take care of his well-being while going to school and working. The first seven years of my son’s life helped me to take life a bit more seriously. It built my strength and faith. I had to become very resourceful and fast. I learned how important it is to advocate for your child because no one knows them better. Having a baby at 16 years old is the reason I am a good parent today. I would not change that, yet it was my need for intimacy that let to my sexual behaviours. I am never afraid of taking risks because I am well aware that if something does not work out, you dust yourself off and learn from your mistakes.
I think about my cousins and sister and what would have happened to them if my grandfather was unsuccessful at grooming me. He did make attempts with others in the family but to no avail. Apparently I was the perfect candidate for the job. Somebody in our family would have been his victim one way or another. I saw first hand how determined he was and how little it took to turn him on. He was quite satisfied to put me on his lap when we were not alone and it made him happy. I saw the look on his face when my cousins would sit on his lap too. I use to become jealous when he did it, and when he saw that I was upset (because everyone got a turn on his lap or pony ride and I would be last) then I would get a turn. I now know that I was last because I got to sit on his lap the longest. There were times when I would want to go play but every time I tried to get up, he would put pressure on his arms which were wrapped around me. When I felt that, I knew I needed to stay put….and I did. I believe that because my grandfather looked forward to seeing me every weekend, it minimized the danger for the others.
I do not know this for a fact, but I think my grandfather was too afraid to continue in his pedophile ways after I came out of the closet because everyone was more aware and vigilant at watching their own kids. I do know for a fact that he was still perverted in mind, because when he was in a nursing home/hospital, he would ill treat the older nurses and made a request that he only wanted young nurses to look after him. But a nurse at the nurses station told one of my Aunts who quickly put a stop to that request. As a matter of fact, she told them to give him the oldest nurse they could find. I did find that amusing.
The point I am trying to make is, we sometimes cannot see the bigger picture or what God has planned for us. For 24 years I have been on a journey that has been filled with pain and joy. A baby cannot come into this world without causing pain; the abuse that I endured still causes me pain. But I embrace it. I embrace it because I look forward to seeing what will be born out of all this. And whatever is born will come into this world by the Hands of God…..because God does not make mistakes.