Why me? Why did this happen to me? The magic question; I must have asked this question to myself several times over the years and I am not sure I have taken the time to listen for the true answer. I mean, I have come up with my own answer but I clearly knew that my answer to the “why me” question was incorrect. There are times when I am in complete disbelief of what happened to me and even go as far as trying to convince myself that it did not happen; hoping that it would make this all go away. It does not take long before reality slaps me in the face and says “wake up, this did happen to you and you cannot run or hide from it”.
I spend a good part of my day being reminded of the trauma that occurred to me and cannot let go of the magic question. Earlier this week, I found myself wondering what I was supposed to do with “this”. It happened to me for a reason because I believe…..no, I know God makes no mistakes. I refuse to believe that things like this happen to people in vain. I refuse to believe that it was just a tragic circumstance that occurred. So I decided that I was going to really listen to what God had to say about why he allowed my grandfather (who was a born again Christian) to molest and rape me; and get away with not reaping what he sowed. When I heard the answer, I thought to myself “that answer could not have come from God”. But I have an intimate relationship with God and His Son (the Risen Christ) and I know very well when I hear from God. My answer from him was the following: “Why NOT you?” and needless to say, I was a little irritated by that answer. However, when God speaks I know that He wants you to meditate on what you are being told. So I did. I was so amazed at what was revealed to me that I will never ask the magic question again.
It is with great arrogance that one asks such a question; because to ask that question suggests that there are some people who things should happen to, while for others, it should not. What my grandfather did to me was pure evil, plain and simple. I know that when evil works its way into the minds of its victims, it chooses those who are weak and those who have little faith. My grandfather was one of those victims. I also know (through studying the Book Of Job in the Bible) that when evil wants to hurt, God has to allow for it to happen. He allows “bad things” to happen in order for Him to use the “bad thing” and turn it into something good. So then my question went from “Why did this happen to me?” to “why did you allow this to happen to me”? I do not think God was happy with that question either because He said “I did not allow this to happen to you; rather, I chose you as the person who this would happen to”.
WHAT?!!! What on earth did God mean by that? “What do you mean you chose me as the person who this would happen to? Why would you choose me”? Then God replied “now that is the question you all should be asking”. (Now please understand that this revelation did not come to me in one sitting. When I meditate on something God is showing me, it may take a few days for the answer to come, sometimes even longer.) And just when you think you have an answer, He gives me something else to meditate on. So I began to ask the question, “Why did you choose me as the person who would be repeatedly molested and raped by my grandfather”?
In my next entry, I will share some (not all) of the reasons God chose me to be the sacrifice of our family. Yes, I said it – sacrifice; sometimes it becomes necessary to sacrifice one in order to save many. In my next entry, I will try my best to explain things as it was explained to me. For now, let me leave you with this – if you have gone through some sort of trauma that was no fault of your own, understand clearly that God does not choose weak people to receive a traumatic experience. You may be weak in areas of your life; you may be weak in your physical body and may even be weak in your mind. You will not, however, be weak in Spirit.
So go ahead, ask the question “Why did you choose me as the person this would happen to?” and wait for the answer; because when you get your answer the only thing you will ask after that is “Why NOT me”?