Abuse, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape

The Blame Game & Accountability

So who’s fault is it? Who is at fault for what happened to me? Who’s to blame for my grandfather’s sick inappropriate sexual behavior towards me? Are my parents to blame because he had access to me week after week for six years? Absolutely not! In the past, I blamed my extended family members; specifically my father’s siblings. Because they were aware of their father’s obsession of younger women. It was something that was considered “no big deal”, perhaps even amusing. When my grandfather would come visit on Saturdays, he would watch wrestling & Solid Gold. If your old enough to remember Solid Gold, then you’ll also remember the “Solid Gold Dancers”. My grandfather looked forward to those half naked dancers. I heard stories of prior rapes and even animal cruelty. Though my grandfather took a liking to younger women, I don’t believe anyone thought he was a pedophile.

I do not blame my family for what my grandfather did to me; not anymore. Had it come to their attention prior to me speaking up, he would have been stopped. At least that is what I want to believe. In some weird way I can’t even blame him because he must have went through some abuse himself to become the monster that he was to me. I have spent a great deal of time trying to figure out the root of such evil, but to no avail.

I want to take time to mention that there were six other victims for my grandfather that I know of; but only four of them are known to me. They were not raped by him but they were hurt and torn apart in ways they could not imagine. Those other victims are my father, mother, brother and sister. When I speak of “my family”, please understand that I am not speaking of my immediate family because my father’s Father manipulated my whole household; not just me.

Our family was a close (extended) family or that’s what I thought; however, when the family needed to be closer than ever – it did the total opposite. So though I may blame no one for the abuse from my grandfather, I do blame the elders (3 aunts, 1 uncle and my grandmother) in my family for something.

I blame them for NOT holding my grandfather accountable for his choices and actions towards me. They may disagree with me but let me shed some light on WHY I feel this way.

My family did not hold my grandfather accountable when:
…………they chose to shelter him while hanging me out to dry in the rain.
…………he was allowed to deny what he did and set free because the family decided to “handle it”. He was free while I entered the prison of my mind.
…………he was allowed to attend all our Family Christmas Dinners and our Annual Family BBQ. I was forced to be civil to him when all I wanted to do was slap him and create a scene. This is when I became invisible.
…………when they all swept this under the rug. By doing this, they also swept me under the rug; and I’ve allowed them all to walk on that same rug for 28 years. Each time they stepped on me, I sceramed out for help. But my screams went unheard and when they did hear me, I was given a band aid and swept back under the rug. Then they would walk on that dirty rug all over again. I realised that I wasn’t as invisible as I thought….they just simply closed their eyes, because seeing me would mean seeing the injured prey that the predator had captured. MY GRANDFATHER LIVED AND DIED AS A PEDOPHILE.

My grandfather may have knocked me down, but what my family DID NOT DO….CRUSHED ME!

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6 thoughts on “The Blame Game & Accountability

  1. So sorry for all of your pain. Thank you so much for sharing and helping others understand the terrible turmoil you and others have gone through.

  2. Anna says:

    I too was in the same boat. My step uncle( Father’s wife, brother) molested and impregnated me at 14 years of age, he was 34 at that time. I guess I can say thank God my dad physically assaulted me and I lost the baby along with the only set of family I had in Canada. For years I felt alone because being black this don’t happen to us, this is a white people thing. But us speaking out show how prevalent this really is in the black community. I am glad like you too the pedophile did not break me although until now I have been broken but I am getting there eventually and telling our story will get us closer to healing.

  3. Hello Anna, thanks for leaving your message. It let’s me know that I’ve done the right thing by speaking up. I too became pregnant at 14 and also miscarried the baby. It was an experience I’ll never forget. I became pregnant by someone other than my grandfather. This happened a few months after ceasing all sexual contact with him. I began to seek that “feeling” from others. I will eventually share this part of my story in detail as well. So believe me Anna, I KNOW EVERTHING YOU HAVE FELT AND ARE NOW FEELING. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. KEEP MOVING INTO THE LIGHT.

  4. Joy says:

    Thank you for sharing your stories, I too finally started healing when I spoke out. My abuse started at the age of 8 years as well, by my mothers younger brother and lasted for a few years…..It stopped with me when he moved on to my younger sister. I never knew about my sister until my early 20’s when my sister finally told me about it once she started therapy. She knew about my abuse from my Uncle, as he told her “your sister let me do this”. I am still trying to place blame….It is really hard when my mother and most of her siblings have been abused either physically or sexually by my Grandfather….

    He died this summer while I was home visiting and I felt nothing in regards to him being dead only how he should have suffered more. I am not a heartless person but I started thinking a lot about it and blamed him…..he started this cycle of abuse and I feel it was his fault this happened to me and my sister and who knows how many more of my cousins. He was the one who abused his children and they learned this behaviour from him. They also learned to hide it and sweep it under the rug.

    My mother was abused by him when she was younger and yet she always treated him like he was a real father and not the monster that he was. She never stopped him from visiting or babysitting us or even taking our children to visit him and for this I do not feel the same towards her now that I used to.

    Over the years, I have been healing…mostly due to the fact that I am not afraid who finds out. I did nothing wrong!!! It is not my fault!!! After telling my parents and siblings as well as some of my relatives and friends it has also help me heal.

    God Bless You and I hope you will find comfort in the fact that you are not alone!!

    • Your story brings me to tears because “I feel you”. I took way to long to do this. There are to many of us who are open wounds walking around; carrying our pain. WE WILL RISE ABOVE THIS. WE WILL STAND FIRM TOGETHER. NO ONE…NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE A SURVIVOR OF INCEST UNLESS YOU’VE BEEN THERE. THE PAIN IS SO REAL; SO RAW. AND IT HURST WORST THAN HELL FIRE COULD EVER FEEL.

      BE STRONG MY FRIEND….I DON’T KNOW YOU PERSONALLY; BUT I KNOW YOU AS A SISTER WILLING TO SPEAK HER TRUTH.

      • Joy says:

        Thank you for replying to my message….I am going to pass along this link to my sister as well as I feel this well help her in her healing process as well.

        I always fell an instant connection to a person who shares a similar past like we do because together we can help each other to heal and as you have said, you have to go through it in order to know what it is like.

        I didn’t start speaking out until my Sister told me about her abuse when I was in my early 20’s and am now in my early 40’s. I am doing a lot better now and no longer feel that my abuse controls my life. It do get easier with time and the help of others who have been through the same situation.

        I am stronger than my abuser and so are you!

        Much love and support from Your Sister/Your Friend.

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