Promiscuity; Depression; Confusion; Narcissistic; Bulimic; Obsessive Compulsive; Vengeful; Envious; Manipulator; Fault Finder; Risk Taker; Suicidal; Thief; Liar; Unforgiving; Full of Rage; Full of Anger; Self-Hatred; Self-Pity; Self-Destructive; Self-Sabotage; VICTIM. These are the demons of my past.
Like most demons, they sneak up on you; disguising themselves, making you believe that they are your friends. They tell you how much you need them and that they’ll keep you protected, safe from harm. Before you know it, they take control; control of your life then control of you. Eventually these demons destroy you…..if you let them. So, I decided not to let them destroy me.
Six months after giving birth to my daughter, my symptoms of abuse were triggered while changing her diaper. I made a comment to myself regarding how cute her “VA J J” was. I froze and became concerned that I had violated my little girl; I sobbed, promising never to do that again. You see, my other two children are boys (18 & 10 yrs at that time) and I had no strong reactions while caring for them. Nothing I did in the past could have prepared me for the hell that was about to be unleashed on my world.
I knew that I would never hurt my daughter; the problem was I could NEVER SAY NEVER regarding everyone else. I can never say that her brothers or her father wouldn’t hurt her. My parents made that mistake. I was there when my parents sat in the living room across from me sitting on my grandfathers lap. They had no idea that his hand was between my legs. My little girl became a constant reminder of what happened to me and now it was my job to protect her at all cost. For the next three years my symptoms became worse; it was time to get help because this hell & its demons were beginning to consume every part of my being. It took another two years before I was able to find the help I needed because I discovered that what was happening to me had a name; it’s called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am happy to say that I am currently in intense one-on-one truma therapy and those demons….gone. Ok, maybe not all of them but I can tell you that the demons that are present don’t consume me anymore. Where they once had control of me, I now have control of them.